A long post about marriage and identity and everything in between.

I found myself clicking through the bottom links of my posts today. The links took me back to posts I had written several years ago and made me both wince and chuckle at the same time. Its no doubt that this blog has chronicled well my awkward stages of figuring out who I am as a married woman. From those first posts written by my happy go-lucky ray-of-sunshine-and-giggles 20 year old self to now, this blog holds a lot of who I've been.

Looking back, its obvious for me to see who I was. Its much more difficult to see who I am now. I'm sure in just a few years I'll be looking back to the words I type now and have some wisdom for this girl here. If only I could know those now. 

These thoughts have left me pondering a lot of who I have become over the past few years. Marriage took a very confident young girl and stripped her of a lot of pride. For a long time, I thought Ben was LUCKY in all caps to have gotten to marry me. I was AWESOME. And a few months of marriage was enough time to teach me the very ugly reality. Marriage=sacrifice which I sucked at.. Sacrifice wasn't something I was fond of doing. Plus, I had very little-to-no practice in it. Sacrifice was, in my mind, no bueno. Sacrifice meant surrender and by golly this girl will NOT SURRENDER.

 But truth came to head ever so slowly, and I discovered I was the lucky one. That surrender is essential. that Sacrifice means everything.

And so the awkward stages began. Those awkward stages are captured here on this blog. Thats where I stumbled this morning. With silly phrases and upbeat words about how my husband is the beeeessssttttt huuuussbbaaannnddd eeevverrr, I wrote both as I discovered these truths, and to distract myself from myself. Also, probably to make sure others knew we were soooooohaapppyy!!!!

The words I wrote about Ben were true then just as they are now. Ben is a man among men, and is a better leader, spouse and husband now than he ever was. I write now to speak the obvious rather than to convince myself of reality.  (And hopefully proclaim such things with a few less exclamation marks.) 

***

A few days before my wedding day, my dad told me I didn't really love Ben. I fought tooth and nail with him saying he didn't know what he was talking about. He told me " Britt, You love the way Ben makes you feel, but there's going to come a point when he doesn't make you feel that way all the time. And thats when you get to start learning how to really love him."

Life continued, and my dad was right. We got to practice choosing each other. Anyone married will tell you that a MILLION things fight for a spouses attention. Legitimate things. We fought hard against a lot of stuff those first few years and after what seemed like so long, we found we got into a groove. We understood each other in ways we never did. We discovered each other and in that learned what really loving each other meant.We reached a sweet spot in our marriage. 

 Then, we found out we were gonna have a baby. (Haha, and every parent chuckles)

 Pregnancy revealed deeper layers to selfishness. We had Eowyn. Uncovered more layers. (Funny how that works.) And we had to learn how to choose each other all over again. Choose each other over our kid. over our sleep. over our 'zone out time.' Had to learn that making the other aware of everything they did wrong in that day is NOT a way to keep the marriage joyful. (guilty.) nor is reminding them of the perceived time and effort and lack of sleep discrepancies between one spouse and the other. (guilty.) Lordy.

9 months and two weeks have now passed since that sweet little thing came. And my have we changed. I'd say we're slowly figuring each other out again in our new roles. Learning how to speak more plainly (and when to not speak at all,) how to remember each others needs, how to treat each other well, how to know when things need to happen, and when sleep trumps.

***

All that leads to me figuring out who I am now (wooo.. queen of tangents here.)

Having a baby brought out so many insecurities in me. And also uncovered all sorts of areas of pride. I know this because of the glaring inadequacies that motherhood has revealed in me and my desperate attempt to cover it all up.  Things I had wrestled with and thought I had won in were now becoming obvious in my life. And these past several months have been a long, praise-jesus, process of reclaiming identity-or rather surrendering it-and finding a lot of grace for/from others and then allowing it to trickle down to self.  

All that to say, several months into becoming a mom, I'm rediscovering myself by getting over myself (again and again and again.)

I've noticed a trend that I fight often. I feel negative emotions towards self come into my brain and here are two responses I take:

Option 1: Work on self to turn emotions positive and feed my prideful heart or 

Option 2: Get over self.

 One requires self motivation and dethroning my savior, the other grace and Jesus.

 How many times have I gone to an event thinking of how people would perceive me? How many times have I looked at my self in a mirror and let the critical thoughts fly? How many times have I looked at the list I was unsuccessful in completing and felt waves of disappointment  How many times has this critical perspective of self turned outward, leaving me critical of everyone else? Far too often. 

Surprisingly, or maybe not so-even when faced with my failures and major inadequacies, I still seem to end up on top in my own mind. "atleast I'm not......like so and so" Prideful heart. 

Depending on my response to all of these situations I either a) give myself a pep talk reminding myself why I'm worth people's time/why I'm pretty/why I don't suck at life etc. with an action plan attached or b) remind myself that there's grace. That there's Jesus. That there are gals that genuinely are craving friendship and not someone who has her stuff together. That the beauty I'm striving so hard after is so so fleeting, its all vanity.  that dishes will be there forever, but this crazy kid I'm raising will not. That my husband and his genuine heart trumps every other to-do on this list. 

That Grace. Grace. Grace. is the answer.  I'm slowly learning how to choose b.

And slowly, ever so slowly I'm starting to find that as I choose to look away from myself and my justifications, and practice grace, I do more. I love more. I find more peace. I enjoy more. accomplish more. breath more.

I'm starting to realize that near every sin issue I have is due to my pride. Due to this competitive, prideful heart. A heart that wants to be worshipped, not to worship. 

I'm starting to see that God gives grace to the humble. And to re-read books and study humility. And to realize how I am stuffed with everything but. I'm starting to remember how great God is and who I am when in that light.

I'm starting to experience grace in my own heart as I am faced with my gross inadequacies as a wife, a mom, a friend, a servant.

Which has in turn blessed my soul.

I'm starting to let the sweetness of a husband who sees a messy house and calls it 'lived in' sink into my heart. To make his compliments be worth their weight in gold and how to relish the way he leads this family. 

I'm starting to learn how to extend grace to other ladies. To celebrate successes, but not use others success as a measuring stick for the people around me (and myself.) To give out more grace than needed  and to strive to be a person that can be rested with, rather than compared to.

I'm starting to take rest in the fact that God, God GOD will be the one that moves my baby girls heart, and that leads us when training and protecting and guiding our children.

I'm starting to remember wisdom once said to me "What doesn't get done, didn't need to."

I'm learning that when I feel like hiding, its an indication of sin in my heart.

I hope as I look back to this stage I'll recognize it as a start to something life changing- that this is the beginning of a gal that is known for being grace-filled, and who is experiencing humility, and hopefully is growing a little less awkward. Or more, depending on how you look at it.

As always, thanks for reading.