We enter the second trimester, like, today (if you divide 40 weeks by 3, you get 13.33 weeks.) This is pretty awesome news. We made our big "hoorah baby" announcement on facebook this weekend (you may have seen it on here as well,) and I have to tell you guys, you celebrate us well.
Thank you.
I need to stop and tell you something, though. Now that the confetti has landed, and the party is being packed away, I need to tell you how hard it's been with the whole 'facebook' aspect of this pregnancy. Put aside all the weird emotions of a pregnancy after miscarriage (all the fears and anxieties) and lets just talk about how grief/struggle makes you oh-so-aware of one big fat reality: Facebook can kind of suck with stuff like this.
I have friends who are struggling with infertility and miscarriage, and I have friends who are aching to just get married, let alone have a few kids. Sometimes it's not even wanting something THAT big, it's just wanting something celebratory to post about. Sometimes we want a beautiful picture to post of a really delightful weekend.
After going through ache, it's made me very aware of the facebook posts that hurt. I'm learning that the celebration posts can sometimes be the hardest to stomach. I know this because I've been the one posting the great big happy "celebrate with us" posts and I've been on the end of feeling like everybody has a party going on and I'm still here waiting for my turn. I've fought jealousy, the disappointing ache, and I've struggled to celebrate others genuinely. Facebook creates a giant wall between us and our comrades and this only accentuates the ache and loneliness. Facebook doesn't give me the experience I get when I'm spending time with a dear friend who, while sipping smoothies, tells me about their growing baby. Facebook gifts me the super cute picture of glitter and effortless joy that I see while I'm alone and slumped on the couch just hoping for some entertainment before bed. Laundry and poor-posture are typically involved.
Not too long ago, a dear friend of mine changed my heart regarding facebook sharing. When I asked her why she didn't put up her wedding pictures that were AMAZING, she commented "I just know how many of my friends ache and struggle when they sign on facebook and see all the weddings and babies. I don't want to contribute to that." I was like: 'Wha!?!' Girl give me an opportunity to post pictures where I look delicious and I'll be posting those all over the place.
But her heartbeat is different than mine and her kind heart has changed my thoughts. There are two waves of thinking we can take here. One is to get frustrated that our friends don't just put their issues down and celebrate us. Or, like my dear friend did, we can choose grace. We can realize that when sharing with community, part of that sharing is being sensitive to the community we keep. She was sensitive and decided whatever gains she may have gotten from facebook posting, it wasn't worth the ache she knew so many friends would experience from it. That's love. That's grace. That's how we get a beautiful community even on social media.
So, now that I've said all that. Here's my heart:
When friends announce pregnancies in February, my heart aches. I think it very well ache may forever.Why? Because a year ago we lost a february baby. The month of hearts holds a lot of heartache for me, and when I see the announcements my heart gets sad and happy, simultaneously. What's weird is the way I've been surprised when I remember we'll get to have a baby of our own come February. It's surreal and I struggle with the two being so close with due dates (two days apart.) I think God was all up in that business, but I'm still sorting through Him redeeming it all. I still struggle with believing that this is even a reality for us.
We delighted to announce our little baby on the world wide web because we know so many of you delighted to celebrate us. Boy did you celebrate. We announced it on facebook because we can't tell you over coffee when an ocean separates us. We announced it to ask for prayer for a continuing healthy and whole baby. We announced this growing little to perhaps give hope to some of you (because when I know the history of a mama, my heart soars when I see a broken heart beginning to mend!) When God is doing the thing a friend has hoped for, it's an easy way to get excited and celebrate. I tear up and I get happy near every time. In seasons when I've been aching for my own turn, it gives me hope thats it's coming.
I'm grateful for the way you all have celebrated us, but I want those with aching hearts to know that I get it, and I don't want you to feel weird about it. And I haven't forgotten you. I see you. I know some of you hurt deeply. I know that you 'like' the picture and post the congrats and are genuinely happy for us. But I know the battle that you're fighting through and I'm sorry if after seeing our announcement you did an internal tally of yet another person who is celebrating some big change, while you're still waiting for yours. I've felt and still do feel achy stuff and it causes me to have to sort through all these things every time. It's easy to try and talk ourselves out of it with "we have so much! I'm so blessed!" and I think that's all very true. Sometimes, though we just need to go to Jesus and be honest and admit "Wow, this really hurts. Will it ever be my turn?"
Sometimes the pep-talk doesn't work and it kind of sucks that we aren't getting to be the ones to share our celebration.
Yeah, that's about all I wanted to say. Mostly I just wanted to tell you that if you're in that boat, you don't have to feign celebratory words. I give many of you props, because I know the weirdness of ache and celebration living in the same room. I'm humbled by the strength it took you to let celebration take the floor. I've gotten the opportunity to try (in weakness) to do that and sometimes have succeeded. Sometimes I haven't, though. I know how hard it is. Yet, I keep seeing so many of you do it for us and others and it encourages me. Thanks for that. Thanks for being real with your somber yet genuine happiness. I'll take that over feigned smiles and closet cries any day.
Thanks for walking through life with us and reading long rants. You make getting to exist in this community beautiful.
As always, thanks for reading
Brit
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