20 week ultrasound

Last night I looked over at Ben and told him the feelings I had been sorting through. I originally told him that by this time, 20 whole weeks, past loss would be so far removed that I didn't think it would affect things anymore. I was hopeful, but wrong.

Today we get to have our 20 week ultrasound. A fellow mom is going to watch Eowyn so we can go and actually be present fully for our little second born. Ben will actually get to hear what is said rather than wrangling a toddler who gets quite worried when mama climbs up on that ultrasound chair.

And while I'm super stoked to find out the gender, and we've talked a fair amount for what we hope for, there's one reality that keeps aching my heart.

With Eowyn, I called this the 'gender ultrasound,' now I see it much differently. I'm hyper aware of all the ways things can go wrong. Hearts, brains, livers, it's all so fragile and kind of magical the way God crafts it all together. Yet, he also sometimes lets things form in such a way that babies don't survive the same, if at all.

Ben is the kind of man who would rather not prepare for battle when there's no war to fight. His wife, on the other hand, would rather always have the armor on, just incase a bullet comes flying.

I'm not sure which is better.

So, all that to say, I'm really excited for this ultrasound. I'm excited to have made it this far. To get to see our baby again, probably for the last time till delivery. I'm excited to see it moving about and to hear how it's growing. I'm excited to go to a baby store and buy a sweet outfit together, for planning a gender reveal announcement for sometime this month. Just all of it. It's exciting.

But my heart rate will rise. It always has ever since that first time I was in the ER in July. My stomach will feel a bit fluttery/sick, even though we've made it so far. And, while I'll be full of anticipation, I know that just like every other time, right before the ultrasound starts, I'll hold my breath and think that perhaps I don't want to know what happens next.

I love this kid. Deep crazy love. Finding out that our little is a girl or a boy will be so fun, but seeing a healthy and whole baby is more of a gift than I can attempt to explain.  A potty shot is just icing on the baby cake.

Cheers to a God who continues to make beautiful things, and who holds our hands as we get to slowly unveil his creations. Cheers to a God who created creatures who can be mournful and joyful simultaneously, hopeful and on guard, and celebratory and prepared to fight for joy.

So, on that note, Ben is thinking it's a boy since our ultrasound tech at 12 weeks alluded to that. I have no idea, but kind of am dreaming of how sweet a little sister would be. So, looks like we'll be pretty pumped either way. Neither one of us takes much convincing to get excited about either. I think after you lose a baby, just getting to have another makes things like gender a special detail rather than a dream maker/breaker. My dreams are of Eowyn as a big sister because OH MY GOODNESS she's going to love it.

So....any guesses? Who ever guesses right gets a free trip to Finland! (just kidding) but you will win a prestigious position in our home as a prophet on baby details.