I shared with our pastor, the cross Ben and I have had to consistently bear in our marriage has been uncertainty. Over the past 15 years of navigating life together, we have rarely known what life would hold in a year or two, moving every few. When cancer came and then left, it placed us in a 3 month cycle of uncertainty compounded. We will do this for a handful of years. Then continue, Lord willing, with the regular old uncertain life.
There's a quote somewhere that I can't find again, but it goes something like "to gain the virtues one must go through the crucible of the vice." In other words, to grow in patience, one has to face down all kinds of situations that require long suffering. To grow in love one is often thrust into unlovely relationships and so forth. It's where the joke comes of being careful what you pray for. Asking for virtues sometimes means welcoming the development of virtues. Problem is we often don't anticipate what that will look like.
Whether this theory is entirely true always or not, I don't know. I will say, however, I like to ask myself what God might be up to by picking this particular story for us. Humans are meant for meaning, and one way I can help my own heart find it is to ask God "what good can come from this?"
I don't think God gives us hard things just to teach us lessons, like a schoolmaster with a pop quiz of pain. So please don't hear that. Some hardships have no answers and God makes it clear that following Him- through all the twists and turns- will come with a fair share of them. We, I have learned, must learn to trust in Him, mostly through gazing at who He is, and not in an explanation of our circumstances. I've wrestled with this entirely-goodness me, I love my answers-but I now get why they put Job in the Bible. I know acutely that explanations don't comfort the way the Holy Spirit does. I think God is after our whole selves, not just intellectual acquiescence.
But, back to it-what could God be working in me through all this uncertainty other than raising my blood pressure?
If you had known me a few decades ago, you would have known and understood the smile behind the pastor who jokingly referred to me as "meticulous," and perhaps you would have reiterated in some other way my intense dedication to bringing about specific ends. I can be a lot, I know. Pray for Ben. 😅
But at the heart of it is a freckle faced kid craving peace. Chasing after shalom-that tranquil heart.
I'd wager, it's the same thing we're all after.
Yes, the virtue I want is peace.
Fortunately, it turns out, my King wants it for me too.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,’ says the Lord, who has compassion on you.” Isaiah 54:10
The Lord gives strength to his people, and the Lord blesses his people with peace." Psalm 29:11
We still live in uncertainty today. Scans are next week again (so please be praying we won't drink the bitter cup of cancer and chemo again.)
But I'm hoping, I'm begging, that through every crucible of the looming question mark, my heart will rediscover the sufficiency in the finished work of Christ. I'm learning that this virtue of peace I so often chase after is turning out to be more beautiful and unsuspected. Peace isn't just virtue. Not quite. Peace goes by a different name. And those who spend time with Him come back with his character left on them. They get the peace, but they get even more thrown in. They get Him.
And he knows the way to shalom, wholeness, telios, Christian maturity... He invites us, not mincing words, to pick up our cross and follow. And as Philippians reminds me, he'll do the heavy lifting. ."I am sure of this, that he who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
If this complex uncertainty is the fiery crucible God is allowing in my life, may I take heart that my Christ, the Virtuous one, the Risen lamb is found in the flames. As I look out from this place, couldn't I argue my God is giving me what I've always known I've needed?
I think God is up to something good, even in (especially in) this life of uncertainty. While I hate the anxiety, the unsettled and the million question marks, I can't say I'm truly surprised. He promised we'd have trouble and the human experience affirms it. But he also promised life abundant. Shalom. He invites us to keep going anyway, saying this is so momentary by comparison to what's just up ahead. So I'll pick up my cross and follow. He knows the way, so I don't have to. He went first.
What other god joins you in the pain?
